His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
