my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
