so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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