I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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