I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
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