I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
