I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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