How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Randomize
