I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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