Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
