If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
