Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
