Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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