Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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