Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i would punch a child for taco bell
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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