so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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