I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
