pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
