just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
