I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
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