watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
