remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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