Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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