There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
