I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
