i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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