Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
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