you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
