before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
