when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
