there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I'm passing your future prison.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
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