I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
