Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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