jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
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