I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
