Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
