apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
