totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
