The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
