its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
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