drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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