she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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