We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
