My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
