Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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