i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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