so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
