At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
