I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
handjob tips. give me some.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
