At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
