Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
