is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
