I just threw up on my dentist
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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