11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
