just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
