if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
