I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
