I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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