He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
